A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend about sexuality. This was our 2nd conversation at the same topic. As a senior, he kept asking me why I was interested in this topic and how it was related to abortion. Am I working in this issue as a researcher or as a human? No doubt that I’m not educated enough as a researcher, but my eyes and ears are open to what happens in my society, even my body nerves are sensitive enough to understand that humans naturally need sex as a way of evolution. In my logical point of view, talking about sexuality is talking body authority which is necesseraly related to abortion.
So, at some point we were talking about sexual fantasies. He asked me what my sexual fantasy was, and he assured me that I didn`t have to answer this question if I didn’t want to.
“ I want to have sex with a monk, not only sex but wild sex.” I said it loudly without doubt.
I remembered that on my flight to delhi I met a yogi. For one hour i enjoyed my hormones fly upon my nerves and brain, bring me to a super sensual imagination. No wonder I needed to go to the toilet when I arrived in delhi. In some point, my brain stimulates me to have an orgasm in a unique way.
From that point I started to explore my logical thinking on how my brain creating this fantasy.
Here’s what I`ve found ;
I was raised in a moslem family where sex was a taboo. Too many rules on how I had to dress, talk and behave like a good moslem girl. The more they warned me the more I wanted to know why, that’s why I became a renegade in the family. No regret for that.
When I was 9 I had my first menstruation, and I had my first wet dream when I was 13. I must say that wet dream has created a sexual pleasure for me. From that point I`ve been asking myself: if sex creates pleasure for someone then how come it is called dirty and sin? Doesn`t God want us to be happy? If not, why God created sex?
Breaking the rules of virginity and the fear of being ‘not holy’ anymore have brought me into an abusive relationship. At the end, I realized that the problem was not the virginity at all, but the way the religion had influenced me to believe that I was no longer a good girl, but a dirty and bitchy one, therefore I had the fear that there’s no man wanted me anymore but my partner. That’s why I kept moving on that unhealthy relationship.
Somehow I cannot deny that religion construction has influenced me. I found myself attracted to spirituality and sex in the same time, these two have created a contradiction in me. For so long I couldn`t decide what to choose: being a monk or a sexual expert?
Everytime I heard the story of a holy man, it seemed that they were not bitchy like me. Everything about them was about wisdom. Seemed that sex was separated from wisdom
So, I challenged myself to prove that those contradiction could be mutual and both were important.
That’s how my sexual fantasies were started.
****
Fact 1.
In the last 2,5 year, I had this unique relationship.
My sweetheart is an Italian sculptor and painter who also have the ‘monk tendencies’, we can talk about spirituality and sex altogether. Sometimes we talk about our true-highest self through spiritual journey. But it’s not difficult for us to share about our sex life just to make sure that both enjoy pleasure. Its common for us to discuss how sex can really helpful to create both pleasure and spirituality. He kept asking me when the last time I have sex just to make sure that I’am healthy, satisfied and less stress. He will ask me wheter it’sgood or not, why not and why yes. Seems that he really care about my satisfaction even it’s not from him. I do the same for him too.
The last time I met him is in February 2008, most people thinks that I’m crazy and stupid to keep movin on this relationship.
I criticize myself, why I keep doin this? What makes all this sexy to me?
Now I know why, coz I found those contradiction is mutual in our relationship.
Fact 2
Last week when I was in Borobudur, i walked alone while a monk walked behind me. It took time for me to realize that this monk was following me all the way in Borobudur. He stopped me and ask me a few question about who I was and where I came from. I didn’t mind to talk with him and share few stories about my life. I asked him to tell stories about Buddhism. We enjoyed talking to each other. I was impressed how beautiful was the way he was telling stories.
I don’t know how it started, but then I seduced him. I thought it wouldn`t work but I was wrong. He became so nervous. He tried to concentrate while his eyes engaged to my breast. I didn’t mind looking at him with smile even he sweated even more. The idea of seducing a monk in a holy place has triggered me to be bitchy. It seems even more challenging than just have sex with a monk.
But before it went too far, surprisingly something hit my brain.
My sexual fantasies just finished before they started.
I’m no longer sexually attracted to a monk because it’s not sexual at all but social constructed.
So I said bye to him…leaving him alone sweating and being nervous.
*****
So, these days I’m asking myself ; Are my sexual fantasies really sexual and not social constructed? Or which social construction can I play with my sexual fantasies?
Another exploration is coming soon…
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