The Awakening (Part 3)

Early morning on Friday, the same day before i went to venus yoga workshop, i text Swami Arun.

‘Good morning, it’s inna who came to your class last nite. When I arrived home I had intense sore in my back, head, neck and leg. I would love to do healing but im in limited budget. Thank you for sitting next to me, I feel blessed.’

He replied me with his warm lines. After a few conversation, we agree to do the healing that nite 9pm in my place. I’m so exciting, I ill have two special session today ; Venus Yoga and Tibetan Bowl Massage Healing.

*****

It was 8.50pm when I realized that I don’t have enough money for the donation. Eventough he told me I can pay by donation, I still feel it’s not appropriate to give small donation for his work. So I decided to go the ATM.

My mobile ringing when I arrived to my homestay, I saw him standing infront of my room.

‘Hey, im here. Sorry late’ I talk to him staright and hang up the phone.

‘So, where we do it? Here in the pavilion or inside?’ I ask him while welcoming him into the room.

‘Inside, because we will do the massage.’ He replied.

In the next few minutes, we both sitting in the bed.

‘so, you told me that you have question, what is it?’ he start the conversation.

Shortly I described him what happen to me in the last few years, all this shaking and sensitivity to music and nature, those vivid dream about Javanese history, spontaneous dancing and yoga poses, also some mystical experienced. I told him that all these makes me in confusion, this is one of the reason why I came to ubud, to find out what’s happen to me.

He response in such ridiculous way. It shocked me.

`Can you read my mind?’ He ask.

I shooked my head.

‘If you can no read my mind, how can I know what happen to you. Only you who know what happen?’ He explained, not in compassionate way.

‘But I only ask, maybe you know some signs?’ I said.

‘You feeling lonely, you feeling sad, but it doesn’t mean you can come here and play this game.’ He said.

‘What you mean playin this game?’ I ask again.

‘You came to these classes, and ask me or another person about this. You definitely playin game.’ He replied.

‘ I know I feel lonely, but it’s not true if I play this game. And I don’t ask this to many people, I ask to some guru why im shaking after meditation and they said just ignore it. That’s it. I don’t tell anyone else the whole story. I just tell and ask to you.’ I start to cry.

‘See, you playin this game. Up to you. You can play it or not play it. Im not a master. If you serious you can go to Ratu Bagus.’

‘Yes, I heard about him. I sent message since January and no reply. I try to call but not connect.’ I said.

‘See, you’re not serious. You waiting for this. If you serious, go there.’

‘Ok, I leave. Inna, bye-bye. Bless you.’ He continued, stand up and picking his stuff.

‘How about the therapy?’ I ask before he leave

‘The energy is different, it’s not the same energy like last nite. You don’t need this anymore.’ He replied, then leave me crying alone in this room.

*****

To be true, it’s really hurts. How can he judge me that way. Think that I’m playin game? He don’t even know how I’am, he don’t even know how I struggle to be here, he don’t even know how difficult to me to understanding all these weird years. I don’t even feel he really listen to me.

I’m so disappointed. He’s not the same person like the night before. The warm person and compassionate, the person who makes me cry because of his warm and smooth vibrations.

All that words, intonations and body language are not the things I expected comes from a guru. Or maybe I’m too much. He just a human.

That night I sent an email to Shivani, told her what happen that night. I don’t understand why things become like this. Is it because of him, or because of me, or because the vibration of my energy after a full day workshop of Venus Yoga?

I cry all nite till I fall asleep.