An ugly wisdom

In a journey where i'm in searching for an enlighment to peace and love, unexpected voices comes along my mind. I listen fear and sadness.

I listen a part of me grounting and yelling full of anger and hatred
And i saw the other part of me crying in pain, hopeless, feel ashamed and worthless.

The girl with anger is the girl who keep the heart and truth, the girl who sing the song of mother earth.
The girl in pain is the girl in the surface, the girl who own the world, the girl with authority, the girl who spread her love and strength to others,but walk alone without the girl with the heart. She get lost in the end.

Here i'am, lying on the bed with headache, skipped my yoga class and crying all alone.
I against myself.
Myself against me.
No, i did not regret for the tears.
It wasnt a bad tears, it was a bliss to realize that i found the other part of me.

I feel ashamed to feel that i know everything about myself while the inner me never been static and always changes.
I feel ashamed to feel that i have power and controll over my life while the universe even more powerfull over the life it self.

Once i ask the universe to show me the path into enlightment
The universe took me into the darkness, fears, confrontation, anger, sadness, loneliness, frustation, guilt and ashamed.
Yes, this is my path into enlightment, not the path where there's sunshine and ferari, not the path where there's laugh and orgasm, not the path where there's a handsome guy and beers.

I keep believin in the universe.
Sometimes wisdom comes in an ugly shape. I came far to ubud, tryin many classes, searching for gurus, invest a lot of money for the trip. Keep on eye for what happen surrounding me. And get no answer.

Today, headache not allowed me to the class. While im lyin in the bed, i found the answer.
And the answer is so simple :
Your heart is your guru, your body is your home, your life is your class.
Your mind and your self is the real enemies.
While you teaching your self at peace, your inner self grows.
And the world will follow you.

Namaste!