its been 6 years since i had an abortion.
it was a such dark, painful and gloomy nite all the way backhome
my fave song from 'shaggy dog' can not even turn me on smile while cramps shaking my womb
"...the lady inserted her finger into my vagina, exploring the wall lookin for my cerviks opening. my vagina resisted but has no choice, the lady put somethin inside. in a few minutes i can feel the cramps on my womb and shaking all over my body. i've never been in that painful situation. i tought i'm gonna die at the moment.."
i called my self a survivor, livin with trauma for years. go thru and confront the trauma is an act of courage to be responsible for what i've decided, i paid for whatever it takes and stand as a survivor not as victim.
trauma did'nt come in a package. it comes suddenly like a rain across the sunshine. whenever i passed one, the others comes in an ugly shapes the other day.
Today, i work in a group doin the Vaginal Exams and Bi-manual exams. i'm okay with a speculum inserted my vagina and doin my own exams. for the first time i saw my cerviks opening on the mirror. it round, red and small. i can not imagine how happy i'am to meet my true deep-self. its like you meet your soulmate after a long time waiting in such pain. i'm amazed seeing my vagina wall and lookin how beautiful it is.
when we all done with this exam, we all happy and laughing. Yeeeaaaaah...we did it ! we did it! this was the first time for all of us. i know it's not easy for us to do this. as a women who live in a moslem country, what we've done is break the taboo and go beyond the boundaries of our own body.
a friend of mine made us laugh with her joke : "ah, we finally meet our cerviks. so far only the penis seeing our little lady, and us as the owner never recognize the lady as our belonging"
it's true ! have we think about this? how many penis say hi to our little lady but we never really know how the lady looks like. how could we love and take care the little lady while we never really know the lady well?
i tought it'll be okay too with the bi-manual exam.
i was wrong !
i sat there in tense. my leg closing. my mind is blur. a memory hit my brain.
i've just realized that i dont want any other finger inserted my vagina. it reminds me to the gloomy moment when the lady doin the abortion on me. dark and painful.
damn, i tought i'm finished with it.
" i had this iritation issue, so i dont feel comfort to open my leg" i lied to them.
but then i realized this...
i've spent years livin with this trauma and i survive. another is comin at this moment. there's only two option : go thru this or spent another time livin with trauma.
and i decided that i dont want livin with this anymore, i dont want to spend my time and energy in fear. i have to do this!
finally, i let the finger inserted my vagina. examining the womb and the ovarium. i'm lying there and close my eyes but my brain is in a war. my friends are really supportive. they help me thru this situation, makes me comfort in such intense situation.
" can u feel this?" a friend of mine who do the exam asking me
yes. its my cerviks. i can feel it.
then her left hand examine my pubic area lookin for the ovarium.
"can u feel this?" she ask again
yes. yes. yes.its my ovarium!
"is it hurt?"
No !
"then everythin okay. " she smile and go off her finger.
i'm so glad that finally we've done this!!
we are all happy, most of all because we finally break the taboo to meet our true deep-self. we do not let the " social construction" take over our body anymore. it is the beginning of what we've call : BODY AUTHORITY !
and for me personally, i'snt just an act of courage to break the taboo but also an act of courage to break the trauma on my body. A LIBERATION!
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